Questions about Prometheus

I'd been warned, but it was a cloudy day, I was hungover and curious, so I forked over the dough to finally see Prometheus. Everybody's already seen it, right? There were only 2 other people in the cinema, so now that's everybody, right? Good, cuz I have a couple of questions.
Where was the alien in the opening scene? Which planet is that supposed to be? The one that turns up later? How come? Why did he kill himself so horribly? Even if he was going to kill himself, why drink DNA mutating kool-aid and disintegrate off a waterfall?
Why show Dr Lisbeth Salander finding her space invitation in a cave when you're going to explain it again in the blatant exposition segment of the movie a quarter of an hour later, considering I'll never get those five minutes of my life back? Why is her bf such a douche?
Why didn't Ridley Scott start the movie with Michael Fassbender alone on the ship, easily the coolest (the only cool?) part of the whole thing? (Until he starts listening to Dr Salander's dreams, thus commencing the blatant exposition part of the movie, which leads to my next question: has anybody anywhere ever actually had a dream about a real conversation they had with their father as a child? Also, what happened to Dr Salander that she had a British accent as a dream baby, but a TBD accent as a real grown-up scientist? Is that a side effect of second hand Ebola?)
Why cast Guy Pearce as a hundred year old man? You could at least cast a 70 year old as a hundred year old man - was Harrison Ford busy? If you are spending a bazillion dollars on your space movie, can't you dedicate a little more of your budget to better old man make-up? Did the waterfall disintegration eat up all your extra old man make up money?
Are we sure these people are scientists? My mother worked for the Geological Survey of Canada and nobody there had a mohawk or face tattoos. If they are scientists, shouldn't they be interested in their field of study during the expedition and not only when it's a convenient plot device? Does anyone really pussy out in the middle of a space mission and get lost in a cave?
What's up with Fassbender? How did he know stuff that humanity was encountering for the first time ever? I know he read a lot on the flight over, but did he read tarot cards? How did he know?
Even in the middle of a storm, how does a (granted seemingly omniscient) robot sneak an oozing tube of black slime past quarantine?
If you are stuck in the tunnels of an alien world because of a storm, do you stick your face next to the pulsating snake emerging from the black slime that wasn't there before but is probably nothing don't worry about it? Again, are we sure these people are scientists?
Why does Fassbender want to poison Dr Douche? (Perhaps the least pressing question. I wanted to poison Dr Douche.) Does he know it will create an alien if Dr Douche gets busy with Dr Salander before he turns into a gross goo monster himself? Again, how does he know?
If you had worms in your eyeballs, wouldn't you mention it to your scientist girlfriend? (Something like Honey, I'm not feeling so hot and there are WORMS IN MY EYEBALLS! could work.) If you do decide to end it all cuz being a gross goo monster is maybe worse than being Dr Douche, wouldn't you prefer to take your helmet off in the unbreathable atmosphere than to be burned alive by a flame thrower?
A space zombie? Really?
A DIY space abortion? Really? (Is that even legal? Do Republicans legislate in space?)
Why make Guy Pearce be Charlize Theron's father? (On a more fundamental level, why string together a bunch of irrelevant cliches and pointless characters that make your movie both eye-rollingly random and eye-rollingly predictable?) (Side question: Can you damage your eyes by rolling them too much? Should I contact a lawyer? A doctor? A space abortion machine?)
If you decide to destroy a race you've created but then were in stasis for thousands of years, wouldn't you check first that the mission is still a go? Maybe things have changed a little? Like maybe your creations have invented awesome 3D space movies that are totally worth preserving? How long would it take just to make a quick call to your boss to find out? Three minutes? You've been asleep for millenniums - what's the rush?
Why run along the exact same axis as the crashing giant circular spaceship? In space no-one can hear you basic physics?
Why drag your already excessive movie out to a third and fourth anti-climax? Why set up a sequel for this steaming pile? Why end with a reminder that you once made a simpler, far superior movie when you just made one that is even worse than Alien Resurrection? Why does anyone consider Ridley Scott a good director anymore? Have they not IMDBed him recently? Were there not responsible adults present at some point in the process of putting this mess together? Did it not occur to any of them that maybe they should get a better script or just make a completely different movie? (Like for example about a president who fights the undead or a hunted super spy who it turns out was there all along while evil government agents were so busy hunting the other super spy and never mentioned this possible superer spy?)
In summary: WTF Prometheus?