Killer King

Juan Carlos of Spain may be best known as the king who ushered in democracy and stood up to the coup, but he is so much more. A man has to keep busy between ribbon cuttings, so Franco's hand picked successor has developed some hobbies. One of his is hunting. I eat meat and wear leather so I'm not going to get on my high horse about the morality of killing cute little animals. No. Take that horse and shoot it in the face. We need more glue anyway. Now fetch me a higher, mightier steed from which I can view the uselessness of an institution that is based on centuries of scheming and bloodshed so that its progeny can have yachts. Allow me to present a brief history of our glorious king's hunting past.

Infante Alfonso

Juan Carlos started out on top, blowing away the most dangerous game in a move that would turn organ-harvester Dick Cheney green with envy if he were capable of human emotion: as a teenager he shot his 14-year-old brother in the face. Franco's regime, possibly already favoring the young marksman to ascend to the throne, gave the incident little coverage. Apparently traumatized by the killing, Juan Carlos renounced the use of guns for life. Except for the part where he didn't.

Mitrofan

Romania is on the receiving end of a lot of Spanish disdain. As the cradle of gypsies, it is one of the few places in Europe that they get to feel superior towards. The king, being a citizen of the world, refuses to display such prejudice and likes to visit the country to kill, kill kill! It has been alleged, though denied by the royal family, that in 2006 a domesticated bear named Mitrofan was given honey with vodka and released near the king to be dispatched to the giant salmon stream in the sky.

Babar

 This country is going to shit. The conservative government is slashing and burning the welfare state in a misguided attempt to appease Berlin while actively curtailing civil liberties in the vain hope of containing the masses. The specter of shortages and riots is real and frightening. You know who's not frightened? Good ol' JC. Despite crippling unemployment and an economy taking a dip in a cold swimming pool, Spain's best paid welfare recipient took off to Botswana this month, not for the first time, to shoot some elephants. His latest trip came to light because, like a good septuagenarian, he slipped and hurt his hip while there and had to be flown back for surgery. Meanwhile, unemployment approaches 25%.

It really is good to be the king.

Fun fact:

 He's not just a member. He's the president.